TMI Tuesday a little early: Anonymous Quotes I Will Never Reveal the Circumstances Under Which I Heard Them/ Quotes Whose Authors Need to Remain Anonymous

"Sometimes I think that guys just don't see things, like cellulite. Like those guys who are into voluptuous women er whatever. I just think. They must not see it"

Straight girl to straight girl, "I'm really into your ass. It's so perky. It's enormous. I just want to grab it. I don't even want to call it an ass. It's like a flank, a haunch"

"It helps if you play with my balls"

"Sometimes I have a problem with dingle-berries, they suck"

"My vagina itches"

"Yeah, it's really small. Like I didn't even realize until I saw more of them. The second time I was like oh wow this guys pretty well-endowed. But after a few more I was like...there's no way that I was just lucky that many times."

"I have to go to the bathroom. Can you put some headphones on or something?"

"I mean I like expect to have at least 2 orgasms"

"Her fake nail came off in his butt. Apparently, its not that abnormal for guys to like a finger or two in there."

"So everyone's really high on coke and shit and we get stopped by the cops. The two of them get arrested and they have like a good amount of drugs on them. So one of them somehow slips his cuffs and shoves the drugs up his ass...the other kid totally went down for possession."

Comments

"On Losing" or "On Dating Down" or "On 'Jesus He is Not As Attractive As Her'"

I people watch. I am friends with people watchers. We watch people together. And sometimes we play games. In parks we see if people actually match their dogs. At cafes we look at couples and decide who is the loser and who is the winner. I'll define: The Loser: The person who is, for all shallow purposes, more attractive, probably smarter, and/or cooler. Also the one who has more friends. The Winner: The inferior of the pair who has somehow been blessed with money or a good heart or the psychotic break/blindness of their partner. You play this game long enough and you start to notice a trend. Girls lose so often and they lose bad. It gets so much more tragic when you move beyond the game. You begin to understand that this silly game is emblematic of life. You think of your friends who cry over losers (in this game winners). I mean guys who were, are, and will be, losers in life. And then with the slow, horrifying suspense of a nouvelle vague film you t...

Dear United Healthcare Insurance

I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry I graduated and you felt you had to leave me. But I never wanted to part ways with you. I need you in (and for) my life. I've been so sick, actually ill, all week. And while I would usually turn into your united-caring arms, I find myself alone. The pain has been unbearable. I want you back. I need you back. When we first got together I had no baggage, no pre-existing conditions. But now I'm older and life has matured me and I need you more than ever. But is the cost too high? What premium am I willing to pay for your undivided-extended coverage? The truth is I'll pay anything. Just don't deny me. Can you resist this face? Lots of love, Coping with Cobra after College

The Big 2.3.

So, my birthday is next week (on the 23rd). And I've been known to do some strange things on that day: 20th. Beat a Spongebob Pinata in Washington Square Park. 16th. Walk the questionably safe Costa Rican beaches with AB and a drunk frat reject who kept dropping the N-bomb to the house of a complete stranger just because her name was Claudia too. 21st a. Find and a mannequin on the street outside of bar in Tribeca. 21st b. Play with the said mannequin. 21st c. Put money in a GoGo dancers g-string or corset. Does it make it less weird if I say that I knew her? What about the fact that I had never actually seen a Pastie before? I've also been know to do absolutely nothing. I guess it depends on the year. As you can see 21 was a good year. But I didn't get shit-faced because I've had a fake ID and heels (the typical requirement for clubs in ny) since I was 15. This year I think I'll have a p...

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