Are We There Yet?

If you've ever woken up with half a bagel on your chest, one contact in, and your spandex American Apparel dress rolled up to just under your breasts (exposing your naked bottom half)  then you've probably got some splainin' to do.  Welcome to my morning. Last night was kind of a blast from the past.  I partied it up Purim style with C in the financial district.  Drank some wine.  Ate some triangle pastries.  Met some new people and remet some others.  And that is probably where I went wrong.  My thoughts this morning: 7:00 AM:  O h man, huuunnngg over. hair izzzza messss. tvzzz onnn...remote...wheresma remote? Where the fuck? oh there! no, cell. uhhh don't move head. can't move body. ouch. or eyes. just feel for remote. (yes, my thought were slurred) 10:00 AM:   fuck! oh sat up to fast. cell phone...where is my cell phone? got it. nope. remote.  *realization*  Damn I really said that.  That was messed up.  Good t...

This post is annoying for a number of reasons.  It's a.  random  b.  been edited to add txt   c.  it's my dog and posting a picture of her is basically an electronic "Aw that's my doggie. Whose my God Girl? Who loves you? Who loves you ?"  Or "andijustwanttosquishherlittlefacebetweenmyhandsicouldjusteatyourcutelittlenose" none of you will ever see me do this in real life.  But I mean...look at that face... Reasons why she's the shit. a.  She has ADHD b.  She crosses her paws like a lady...one who occasionally smells my crotch and pees on my shoes c.  She has aliases (The Chancellor is mine, Thena dreamed up the rap name. d.  When I come home drunk at night she lets me big spoon her on her doggie bed...I'm not sure if thats the reason for or the result of my bizarre/complicate/turbulent/boring/icantbelievehedidnttextmebck love life. Summation she's weird, I'm weird.  We're kind of two biatches in a pod.

What kind of world do we live in ? Ma man Fiddy, Fiddy Cent is being sued for editing himself (complete with a Rick James wig) into another man's sex-tape.  I'm not sure if you saw (or ignored) this on my Buzz.  But I think it's worth revisiting.   Take a second to ponder the state of American culture when a.  more Americans have sex-tapes than healthcare b.  a former king pin drug dealer wears a wig (without a pimp cane and a good backhand) c.  where a multi-millionaire-rapper edits himself into another mans sexual encounter instead of taping his own. d.  Curtis Jackson wears a wig. Disturbing...but it gets worse.  If you didn't read the article you don't know that Fiddy did in fact wear the wig to imitate   Rick James....bitch!   (for a photo comparison see photos 1 & 2) Or that Rick James (RIP) and 50 had some sort of musical feud.  You also wouldn't know that Lastonia Levinston (the woman in the tape) is one ...

It's strange to realize that I haven't known some of you for that long.  So many of you have not actually seen me with long hair.   Sidenote: I'm close to certain that I'll be one of those old ladies who has the same haircut at 80 as she did at 13.  Anyway, I know I make my hair a hot topic on my own agenda.  But lets be honest, I have help. Questions I've been asked: Has your hair ever been long?   Yeah.  Not only was I born with a natural flat top I was unable to grow hair longer than wisps on the sides of my head for the first year of my life.  8 inches of flat top in the '80's was where it was at. Why do you keep your hair so short?   Because if it gets long the terrorists win. What happened?   Genetics. It's been a rough day?   No.  what do you mean? Really?     Comments that have been made: Dude, Your hair is  fucked. up. You look like a love child between  Al Shar...

A few words on Lent... "Lent in Christian tradition , is the period of the liturgical year leading up to Easter . The traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer — through prayer , penitence , almsgiving and self-denial — for the annual commemoration during Holy Week of the Death and Resurrection of Jesus , which recalls the events linked to the Passion of Christ and culminates in Easter, the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ ."   (courtesy of Wikipedia) Those of you who were unfortunate enough to witness my February caffeine detoxes in 2006 and/or 2007 know that I traditionally do Lent hardcore. And I'm not Catholic but I get down and dirty with the Wednesday ash and suck it up 'til the holy week. But caffeine can only be done so many times before it gets old. And these past few years I've struggled to find a realistic but challenging vice to abstain from. I haven't yet. So in a last ditch effort to honor jesus, m...

I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry I graduated and you felt you had to leave me. But I never wanted to part ways with you. I need you in (and for) my life. I've been so sick, actually ill, all week. And while I would usually turn into your united-caring arms, I find myself alone. The pain has been unbearable. I want you back. I need you back. When we first got together I had no baggage, no pre-existing conditions. But now I'm older and life has matured me and I need you more than ever. But is the cost too high? What premium am I willing to pay for your undivided-extended coverage? The truth is I'll pay anything. Just don't deny me. Can you resist this face? Lots of love, Coping with Cobra after College

So I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. Walking to the train I started feel a bit woozy. One of those whoa I might faint, there's something pressing on the back of my neck, i need to sit down spells. But like the trooper that I am I got on the train made it halfway to my doctors office before I vomited in my own hand and subsequently in a public trash can. During lunch hour. Next to city hall. And then again in one of those outdoor seating areas made popular by Mayor Bloomberg. In that post throw up euphoria where you think everything is okay and you couldn't possibly throw up again (until you do) I had time to think. My thoughts: I've just vomited in my hand. There are a million people around me. Thank God I made it off the train. Is there no one in this city who is going to ask me if I'm alright? God what is wrong with you people? Have you no heart? Wait, I'd totally walk by too. I am NOT tryin to get swine flu Its a strange relationship new yor...

I people watch. I am friends with people watchers. We watch people together. And sometimes we play games. In parks we see if people actually match their dogs. At cafes we look at couples and decide who is the loser and who is the winner. I'll define: The Loser: The person who is, for all shallow purposes, more attractive, probably smarter, and/or cooler. Also the one who has more friends. The Winner: The inferior of the pair who has somehow been blessed with money or a good heart or the psychotic break/blindness of their partner. You play this game long enough and you start to notice a trend. Girls lose so often and they lose bad. It gets so much more tragic when you move beyond the game. You begin to understand that this silly game is emblematic of life. You think of your friends who cry over losers (in this game winners). I mean guys who were, are, and will be, losers in life. And then with the slow, horrifying suspense of a nouvelle vague film you t...

Do you remember that school trip game? The where you'd try and get truck drivers to honk their horn by pretending to pull down on an imaginary one ? There. Right, there. That's where we went wrong. While this elementary school game was unisex, for year afterward women would inspire honks the whole tri-state area over. Which brings me to my point: Why do men in cars honk at women walking? A recent conversation: A: honking at attractive women on th street...why do men do that we never stop... its annoys women yet it continues.  Which means that at some point in history a woman stopped for a car that honked at her, got in, and in doing so Me: ruined it for the rest of us A: THANK YOU My theory is that men have devolved to a pt that some pavlovian responses are impossible. In other words, they do not cease an action because of lack of result. Which is why I have started a grassroots effort to stop the verbal and auto harassment of new york city's women. B...

Although I haven't kept up with my pop sociology, I am well versed in the areas of 'Tipping Point" and "Blink". My feelings on Gladwell are mixed. I'm both interested and skeptical of his books. But they do make you kind of think, right? I was walking to a cafe (in my inappropriately leather shoes) a day after the not-actually-a-blizzard-because-the-wind-didn't- backhand-you-enough-blizzard. I avoided streets, hopped slush puddles, and hoped I didn't slip and fall on my face. But have you ever thought about how much people change their lives for weather? They take trains earlier because of snow, they don't go to school, they don't go to work...so there could actually be a correlation with crime. Bear with me. If I'm cold do I want to rob someone? If I'm too cold to leave my house I can't be mugged. And I definitely wont be leaving at those early morning hours when crime is highest because its when the temperature is lo...

While, in the past few months, healthcare legislation has sky-rocketed through a democratic legislative branch it appears it may be slowing down. With the death of Senator Kennedy (RIP) beloved senator of Massachusetts and the election of a candidate from the evil empire, democrats have lost their super majority and what some believe to be hope for any real change to healthcare. Now, it is often said that politics is personal. I get that. But since older generation got a lot of the heavy lifting done on my personal issues. The ones I've taken up kind of seem a little lackluster. Anywho...with the ringing in of the new year I became one of a rather large group of Americans without healthcare. What does this mean? Essentially I need a job or the immune system of a superhero. It means my $11.00 co-pay is now $180.00 for monthly medication. It means that doctors wont take me as a patient (that's right, wont take me, not even if I pay them). Did you know that college...