Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Cherry Blossom Brooklyn

So yesterday I went to the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens.  For all of you who don't know because I haven't told you yet.  I know a lot about the area from a project I did on the architecture of the Brooklyn Museum. Summation:
Until 1894 Brooklyn or (Breukelen, as it was originally name by the dutch) was its own city.  The third largest.  Before it joined with the other boroughs BK was in a race against Manhattan to prove its elitism.  This lead to the adoption of certain projects to beautify Brooklyn and a large area was reserved for public works.  For a while it was basically a crude park.  But now that area consist of The Brooklyn Museum, The Brooklyn Botanical Gardens, The Brooklyn Public Library, and Prospect Park.

(just cause I love's the museum)
Anyway, back to the gardens.  The cherry blossoms are out early this year which is heavenly.  Although it kind of sucks when they don't come out just in time for the festival.  The Brooklyn cherry blossom festival is awesome...there are traditional japanese geishas with nightingale poop paint gleaming white on their faces, parading in silk kimonos and twirling their paper fans.  It's April 30th-May 1st.  There's dancing and fresh sushi and the big events take place around this traditional japanese pond with lounging turtles and giant goldfish. There's also the Cherry Blossom Princess whose selected for her awesomeness and gorgeousness and who is idolized like The Virgin Mary all day.

2008 Cherry Blossom Time-lapse at Brooklyn Botanic Garden from Brooklyn Botanic Garden on Vimeo.

Anyway...I strolled around the park with a couple friends and while we were disappointed by the fact that The Brooklyn Botanic Garden's famous willow tree had failed to bloom yet, as I was leaving I saw one of those things that remind me of why I love brooklyn.  Group of little boys playing football.  A tall mixed kid leaning down to a younger hasidic jewish kid and says, "ok I'm gonna fake to the right and you're gonna run in for the goal".  On inspection of the group at large I see two huddled teams each composed of a mixed group of Hasidic jewish, black, and mixed kids below the age of 12.  Their parents are chatting on the 'sidelines'.  Only in Brooklyn.

Anyway...if anyone gets the chance...

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Chance-Alize (that's her stripper name) Goes to the Vet

Yesterday morning I dropped Chance off at the veterinarian to get spayed.  My mom sent me an email in the afternoon and like usual she put the entire message in the subject.

What would you think?...Of course I freaked and called the vet 5 times until someone picked up.  She's fine.  But apparently there's some new non-invasive procedure that allows dogs to be neutered or whatever without slicing.  Having no medical history on Chance and because she appeared to have been in heat, Dr. Pruden cut into her and couldn't find her lady parts.  Yeah, you read that correctly.  She did however find spleen damage (not serious)...another indicator that Chance had had this procedure preformed.  
Anyway, she tells me all of me antibiotics for Chance (2x a day) and brings her out.   All I can say is:

This poor dog.

Not only did she go through an unnecessary surgery, the bottom half of her is entirely shaved off.  But worst of all she has one of those plastic cones surrounding her head and she has to wear it for 14 days.  How messed up is that?   She already throws her body around and runs into things but now its awful. 

I love her and will be the first to admit that she's not the brightest crayon in the box...but man, this is just sad.  I haven't got a chance to take a picture of her but just so you get the idea.  

Friday, April 9, 2010

My Television is a Fucking Republican

I recently accused my ex-boyfriend of being a republican.  I suppose it's easy to demonize ex bfs but that wasn't the case.

Wait.  Some background.

Big C calls me John McCain as an insult.
I protested child labor in front of the Disney store...when I was 9.

But don't get me wrong.  I'm no dirty-hippy-organicly-grown-on-my-roof-top-brooklynette (shout out to Jersey Shore for inspiring that last word).  Whining-useless-activist-intellectuals annoy me as well.  Don't just bitch.  Do something.

It's almost amazing to me how close-minded both extremes can be.  With no idea and no interest in maybe...I dunno....seeing a ray of legitimacy or exhibiting a ray of understanding to another point of view.

That being said.  I'd take a wack-job chaining himself to a tree over the Manson-mailers sending death threats to democratic politicians...over healthcare...really?!? health care?!?  There are so many things inherently wrong with that situation I'm not going to even try to analyze that.

The point television and possibly my ex bf (he made some arguments contrary but the jury is still out) are fucking Republican.  My television has clearly chose the right (but oh-so-wrong) side of the aisle.

But how do I know, you ask?

Woke up one day.  Got some Honey Nut Cherrios in a bowl.  Sat down on the livingroom couch to watch CNN.  Turn the TV on.  It's Fox News.  maybe its a fluke...maybe the cable box was left on...maybe I didn't actually turn it on. (still begs the question of who in my household was watching Fux News. But ok.)  Turn off cable box.  Turn on cable box.  Fox News.  Turn off.  Turn on.  Fox News.  Off.  On.  Fox....WHAT. THE. FOX.   *cue twilight zone music*

In case some of you are thinking...oh well obviously your television has been programmed by someone by accident to make Fux 5 your starter channel  (what happened to the good ol' days of channel 3 or sometimes 2 in weird places like the holiday inn airport hotel).


Parents room.  on.  Fox News.
Dad's Office. on. Fox News.
Guest Room on. Fox News.

What is going on???  Where is NY1???

So in summation my televisions or cable boxes or cable company or sick sick sick prank playing cable guy or my ex bf (a person of interest in this conspiracy) are republican.  One or all of these things are my conclusion.

In case you need an example of why this is a bad thing...why Fox News is so effin bad.  There are many.  It's the number one news network (as in, it informs the most Americans on political happenings) and it doesn't give a fuck about fact checking.  It's baffling and is also humorous when it isn't just sad.  But if you need a fantastic example...please.  please watch this.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The Big Bang Treaty
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical HumorTea Party

 Also...Glenn Beck?  'nuff said.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Hot as Balls

So yesterday I sent Claude off to his golf trip like a parent sends their child to camp.  I packed his bag, called a cab and made sure he was home for his pick-up.  I also looked up the weather in Pinehurst, South Carolina.  And it's hot as balls there.  High of 91.

Increasingly there have been hints of seasonal change.  And it looks like spring isn't pump faking this time.  Actually it looks like summer is kind of fist pumping the crap out of spring.  NYC is almost hot as balls.  When I checked yesterday it was 88 (even though it's high says 84).  And today it says high of 79.

But isn't the only barometer of meteorological change.  People are out.  Brooklyn-stoop-sitting-season has begun.  And with that begins the dark side of this bright time.  Cat-calling skyrockets and rims spin to the sound of car basses bumping.  And while today (and yesterday) could be environmental flukes and while we could very well slide nicely back into the spring-I-can-wear-a-light-jacket time.  The weather reminds us of the coming summer.  Which, without school, is kind of bitter-sweet.  I find myself having that middle school glee of 'schools out for summer.'  But then I think...why?  I'm kind of an adult now.  We all are.  The employed still have to go to work and the unemployed have to worry about sweat stains at interviews.

There are a thousand urban hints indicating the coming of warmer weather but (on a different note) I'll focus on the most important benchmark which of course involves my favorite activity, spinning.

Cobble Hill NYSC.   My favorite gym location because of my fabulously gay-dreaded-black-professional-dancer instructor.  Tuesday at 645 and Wednesday at 745 that is where you can find me.  So I was kind of badass yesterday.  I decided to do a double head-er (?) and do pilates after spinning.  It's deadly.  What made it more 'G' ("and I don't mean that in the regular way, I mean it in the way black people use it.  I feel it has more meaning that way" --Zoolander)  was the fact that the air-conditioning was broken...needless to say, it was hot as balls.  And the spin room is entirely lined with mirrors which were fogged after 10 mins of Lady Gaga on techno-crack.  The room was comparable to break dancing in a sauna.  If the lights hadn't been out (I usually like spin classes better that way so i can get really into it without looking like 'that' person)  I'm pretty sure I would've noticed myself starting to black out a few times.

And then I did pilates.  At that point I must've been delirious. because that wasn't that great of an idea....but it seemed like a good idea at the time.  Anywho....Not sure why I've decided to write about the weather when I have many...oh so many more interesting/embarrassing/TMI-filled stories to recount.  But I've been off not blogging and now I need to ease myself back into it.

As a side-note: I think for a while that 'shame' thing came back and I felt a little bad writing my rather inappropriate thoughts and releasing them out in to the www-dot-abyss.  But then there was another issue.  Every time I tried to blog the stories ended up involving vaginas in someway.   Usually mine.  So yeah, I got writers block on vag.  **feel free to laugh/make lesbian comments/request vaginal posts/ask me their topics/suggest or request less bizarre interjections...etc.**  But I'm back in the game and I'm planning a doing a retro 80's night Saturday with CA (bizarre if you knew my experience last weekend and could see that it should've taught me something...but that's a story for another blog post...the next one...and it has computer drawn pictures!!!) so there will be plenty to blog.

Also...a few questions...feel free to answer...I'm kind of a comment whore.

A.  Blogging about your sex/love/I'm-not-really-sure-what-this-is that detrimental to your game?  And I mean 'playa' playa' game' because (also to be blogged) I've become kind of a man-eater.

B.  Replace who-ha with manly-parts?  Is it that weird to be preoccupied/blog about 'your goods' that much?  I ask because who knows when I'll get c***-blocked again.  (and the stars are not for the man-word)  Side-note again: personally I have no beef with that word.  Never really gained the gravity that most of the female sex seemed to clean from it....I actually think its kind of funny....rhymes with grunt, runt, blunt.  It's also short and sweet.  Almost refreshingly masculine instead of flowery and poetic and artistic.  Also it's one syllable and rhymes with a ton of other words...that's just practical

Back to the point:  guys talk about theirs all the time...its not fair.  It's like when I started telling 'yo papa' jokes in high school and all i got were awkward silences?  Why?  Why the double standard?

C.  Oh, last all guys name their penises?  This is kind of poll thing and the more answers I get the more fun a pie chart I get to make.  I just need to judge (scientifically) the veracity of some blanket comments I've been told...

So, people:  Answer any/all of these questions at your leisure or if you have that thing...uhh...watcha call it ..yesh...just had it....hmmm...oh yeah!!...SHAME/embarrassment just holla' at me...through email...