Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Commitment Issues

My Dad likes to say that most people have no idea what they are doing most of the time.  That they may seem like they do and that it may be intimidating but really everyone is in the same shit.

Coming from a guy who by any barometer is a modern marvel and a successful human being in general this kind of gives me a twisted sense of hope.

We are at that pivotal age when you have to make decisions.  You have to because you're 22 and you're an adult now and you can't go on living at your parent's house forever.  And now I'm going to ask the same hackneyed question that twenty-somethings have been asking for centuries.

How do you know when your all growed up ?

Graduating from college has been like going through puberty again.  Some people do it gracefully pas de bourree-ing around acne and weight-gain and beautiful older sisters while avoiding bad hair and braces with ninja skills.  One major difference, however, is that during puberty everyone wears their awkwardness on the outside and at 21 most people have discovered how to conceal or deal with uncertainty and fear and bad decision-making.  But then is growing up just about being able to cover up?

I won't believe that I'm the only one who cringes at the thought of making life choices which necessarily exclude other options.  Does being an adult mean accepting that you may never have any of those other options.  Are there no redos or return to goes?   I mean, what if your decision sucks?  Are there no 'get out of jail free's ? Does being an adult mean you have to suffer through it? 

Needless to say I have commitment issues.  And time is up.  And I find myself at a crossroad between being Jay or Silent Bob or becoming a respectable, responsible human being.  To say that I've always eventually gotten my act together isn't to say that I always will.  Because before I've always wanted to.  

As a side note Kevin Smith aka Silent Bob (seen on the right)  was recently kicked of a Southwest airline flight because he hadn't bought two seats.  Relevance?  So you can fully understand that becoming the real or fictional person on the right would be kind of sad. Anyway...

I'm not satisfied being idle and I realize there are non binding options.  I could travel and teach english or do first rate things in third world places.  I could go back to school.  But I'm not that good of a person and I get sick every time I leave the US and I'm not willing to go into debt for the first time in my life for a degree I'm not even sure I want.  Not to mention the fact that I suck at doing things I don't like doing.  It's mentally exhausting for me to even fake it.

And when I hear from so many people that they are unhappy with their jobs.  Or when they speak blandly and dispassionately about what they do it makes me sad for them.  Even if they look at me and think I'm throwing time away and being irresponsible and blogging too much or spinning too much or being a self-indulgent spoon fed child.  I find myself wondering whether that matters at all until a time that I look at myself and see what they see?

It's only been a year.  But really, isn't that how things spiral out of control?  Isn't that how workoholics end up childless and alone or hippies end up as the old dude scoring weed off of teens or how the cat lady...becomes the cat lady?

Anyway I think I'm done being afraid of commitment because I don't want to deal with the confrontation involved with backing out.  I'm gonna stop treading and deep-end this bitch.  If being a young adult is  exploring options and being an adult is making choices and sticking to them I'm not sure I'll be that successful at it.  I'm sure there are plenty of 'adults' who aren't great ones.  But I suppose you gotta try, right?  

1 comment:

  1. Being an adult is dealing responsibly with the consequences of one's actions. Kids who spill milk on the table expect someone else to clean it up; adults must clean it up themselves.

    As for the job section, I think there is too much thinking going on here. Just get out there and try some jobs out, see what fits. See what parts of jobs you like. Then find the career that combines these parts. Sounds simple, huh?